Lucius Malfoy And The Wibbly Wobbly Wand
by Mary West
Summary: Written by my dear husband in what can only be considered a moment of insanity. There really is no way to describe this...


Lucius Malfoy was a wizard.

Lucius Malfoy loved to wave his wand around.

He would twist it and twirl it

Point it and whirl it

Until magic flew out the end!

Lucius loved his wand.

But one day when Lucius was waving his wand, all the magic went out of it.

His wand went wibbly-wobbly!

Twist! Twirl! Point! Whirl! went Lucius.

Wibble, wobble, went his wand.

Point! Whirl! Twist! Twirl! went Lucius.

Wibble, wobble, went his wand. But it wouldn't work.

"Your wand's gone all flippy-floppy," said Narcissa Malfoy. "I'll fix it!"

So she took hold of his wand in both hands

And she waved it

And she wiggled it

Blessed it

And blew on it

And said "_Accio Rigor_!"

But the wand just went wibble, wobble. It wouldn't work.

"You can have my walnut wand," said Narcissa. "I keep it in my drawer. It's just as  
good as yours."

"Thank you, Narcissa. But I want my wand to work."

Lucius met Severus Snape. "Snape!" said Lucius. "My wand's gone wobbly!"

"I have a potion for that!" said Severus Snape. He rubbed the potion on Lucius'  
wand.

The wand went all slippery and snakey

but it was still wibbly-wobbly.

And it wouldn't work.

Lucius met Professor Sprout. "Why, Lucius!" she said. "Your wand's slippery and  
snakey, wibbly and wobbly! Try this little blue berry!" And Lucius ate the berry.

His wand went bendy and bumpy

but it was still slippery and snakey

and wibbly and wobbly.

And it wouldn't work.

Lucius met Minerva McGonagall. "Malfoy," she said, "Your wand is bendy and bumpy,  
slippery and snakey, wibbly and wobbly. Let me transfigure it!"

So she cast a spell

and his wand turned into a pussycat, all furry and fuzzy!

"Turn it back! Turn it back!" yelled Lucius.

So Minerva McGonagall turned the pussycat back into a wand.

But it was still furry and fuzzy

bendy and bumpy

shiny and snakey

wibbly and wobbly

and it wouldn't work.

"Maybe Harry can help," said Minerva McGonagall.

Harry couldn't help. He was busy with his broomstick. "Go ask Dumbledore!"

"Once my wand went wrong," said Dumbledore. "Gellert Grindlewald got it going again."

"Maybe you just need the right wizard to work your wand."

"Maybe my wand wants a redhead?" said Lucius.

Ginny Weasley tried to enchant it, but it was still wibbly.

Molly Weasley tried to warm it up with warm cocoa, but it was still wobbly.

"Maybe my wand wants a midget?" said Lucius.

Fenius Flitwick hung a charm on it, but it still wouldn't work.

"Maybe my wand wants somebody big and beardy?" said Lucius.

Hagrid tried dipping it in basilisk juice. But it still wobbled and wibbled.

"Maybe my wand wants twins?" said Lucius.

Parvati and Parma Patil poked and prodded and patted it. But the wand wouldn't work.

"Maybe red-headed twins?" said Lucius.

Fred and George Weasley tried Weasley's Wizarding Wand Wax. But the wand was still wibbly.

"Maybe a house-elf?" said Lucius.

Dobby tried putting a sock on it. But it still went wibble, wobble.

"Maybe a socialite?" said Lucius.

Horace Slughorn called in the whole Slug Club to work on the wand. But it still wobbled, and it wouldn't work.

"Maybe a Senior Undersecretary?" said Lucius.

Dolores Umbridge tried punishing it. The wand went wibble, wobble.

"Maybe a wand expert?" said Lucius.

Mr. Ollivander wrapped brass rings around it. The wand went wobble, wibble.

"Maybe a sister-in-law?" said Lucius.

Bellatrix Lestrange stuck steel pins through it. But it just went wobblier than ever.

Everybody tried.

Ron and Hermione tried.

Percy and Bill tried.

Sirius and Remus tried.

Even Draco tried.

And still the wand went wibble, wobble, wibble, wobble.

Poor Lucius cried.

"My wibbly wobbly slippery snakey bendy bumpy furry fuzzy wand won't work!"

So he went for a walk.

Poor Lucius walked and walked and walked.

He worried about his wibbly wobbly slippery snakey bendy bumpy furry fuzzy wand.

"Why won't my wand work!" he cried.

"Why must my wand wobble?"

He walked and walked for weeks and weeks.

He came to a strange house in the west. It was Luna Lovegood's house.

"Hello, Lucius. What's wrong?"

"My wand's what's wrong!"

"Oh, my. It's all furry and bendy

and slippery and fuzzy

and bumpy and snakey", said Luna.

"And it's gone all wibbly and wobbly and it won't work!" said Lucius.

"Well, we'll work on your wand!"

So Luna Lovegood picked up his wand

and she poked and prodded and patted

twisted and twirled

pointed and whirled

and his wand wasn't wibbly or wobbly at all!

"It's working!" yelled Lucius

and he grabbed hold of his wand

and he pointed and whirled

twisted and twirled

and magic flew out of his wand!

"Thank you!" said Lucius. "You fixed my wonderful wand!"

"It wasn't broken at all," said Luna.

"It went wibbly-wobbly because you waved it too much.

It just wanted a rest. "

So Lucius went home, holding his wand all the way.

It didn't wibble or wobble once.

It was still furry and fuzzy

bendy and bumpy

slippery and snakey

but Lucius didn't mind one bit

and neither did Narcissa.


End file.
